I was grateful for the thunderstorm. Could I really say that? I hadn't felt "grateful" or any describable emotion for longer than I wanted to remember. But yes, I think I was glad it was raining.
This would be the perfect opportunity to do what my insides had been clamoring to do for months. I'd always imagined doing this on top of a mountain somewhere far away from anyone's hearing. But inside my little car during a summer thunderstorm would work. I used to love summer thunderstorms.
It was night and I pulled over. I was less than two minutes from home, but the claps of thunder and pounding rain made me feel like it was much farther. I took a deep breath and let it happen.
A cross between a groan and a high pitched scream worked its way up from the deepest part of me and erupted from my mouth. I let it sound until I ran out of breath, and then I did it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
My vocal chords had never made such a sound before. What was that I was feeling? Yes, it was very small, but it was a sense of satisfaction. The piercing screams seemed to open a door where the real me, who-I-once-was me, stepped through for a moment. She wasn't numb. She cared deeply and she had a few things she needed to say.
"GOD!!!!
CAN YOU HEAR ME?????
WHERE ARE YOU?????
WHERE ARE YOU??????
HOW DID I GET HERE????
I WAS A GOOD GIRL!!!!
YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!
WHERE ARE YOU????"
In the back of my mind, I wondered what this who-I-once-was me was thinking as she saw me now. "Is this what you imagined you'd be doing at 21?" I felt like asking her. "Sitting on the side of the road throwing a colossal temper tantrum?" I wasn't ashamed. As if that even mattered now. She was long gone and all my efforts to recover her had been in vain. The more desperate my attempts, the harder I came crashing down every time I realized she was never coming back.
"I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!
GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK!!!!"
Next Chapter: Laurita
