It had something to do with dinner the next day.

A minor argument concerning something like what time the family was coming over to eat. The type of discussion couples should be able to toss back and forth with ease.

Ease was not a concept I comprehended these days. Everything was so hard.

"Forget about feeding people tomorrow. You may have to institutionalize me tonight," I screamed into his shoulder, punching it over and over. Not in anger, but in desperation. I noticed my little girl standing in the hallway watching.

I wasn't ashamed, I wasn't embarrassed, I was in the fight of my life and I was giving it all I had. If I never came out of the deep, let her know at least that much. That I gave it the fight of my life.

Pausing outside her room a few minutes later, I heard my husband talking to my little girl. "Mommy's feeling overwhelmed right now. Do you know what that means? A lot of things have upset her lately and she's trying to figure it all out. Not you, you didn't do anything wrong. But that's why she was so upset. That's why she was talking that way. But we're going to help her and love her and she's going to be okay."

Even in my vale of sorrow, I recognized how grateful I was for this moment. That my husband thought to speak to my little girl. Sure it was humbling to hear myself being talked about in this way, but I felt gratitude for his providing stability that I could not in that moment.

This experience has provided me a foundation to talk to my little girl about the presence of depression in my life ever since. 

When she wants to know what a therapist is, why I'm visiting one. What that medicine is that I take every day.

"Well, when most people get sad, they get normal sad. But did you know your mind and your feelings can also get sick? What would make a person feel a little sad sometimes makes Mom feel much bigger than normal sad. Kind of like you saw that night in the kitchen. And the medicine and talking with the therapist is how I take care of myself so I don't get really, really, really sad, or to help me when I do. And everything that we're talking about here? It's called depression."

Next Chapter: Emotional Midget

1 comment:

  1. These scenes are powerful! And I love the conversations both you and your husband have with your daughter. Such wisdom!!